The Perfect Drug
by trentFan101
Summary: Fyre Beyond, crimson-eyed Vampyre, 7th year wizard of Hogwarts School of Magick and Mystery
1. Chapter 1

_**AN:** This is a HP fanfic._

'Sup? My naim is Fyier Bitter Psychotic Valentine Beyond. My 'rents where high when they namd me. Im 17 and I goto Hogwarts school of magick and mystery in England. I'm a sadistic masocistic ROCKER! The Tucking Hat put me in Slythrin. My favourite band is Nien Inch Nails. Im not gay but I wood for Trent Reznor. ;)  
_**AN:** Like a matchstick!_

I was put on black army boots with steel-toes and these dark leather pants with straps on the side. They are kept up with a babby blue stripped belt. I did not put on a shirt so ppl could see my kick-ass tattoo. I have several ear piercings and 1 eyebrow done. No makeup did I wear because Im a guy. I put on black sunglasses so people my dark crimson-red eyes of rage (that's how I got my name). I looked kindof like Cappie from the Kappa Tau Gamma house on Greek only 2X frickin' beter. Im also a Vampyre & I feed off.. Feed on..? ... feed on the living. My skin is very pale like a lemming.

There was snow on the grund and it was snowing. I saw Hermione Granger sitting with some JOCKS! on a tube. 'Sup?' said Fyier. She gave me her middle finger but I could see she was not mean.

'That was not nice Im sorry my name is Hermione Granger.' I gave her a pen. It had teh Hogwarts crest on it. 'My name is Fyier. We will meet again later." My friends called at me and I went away. She smiled as I left.

_**AN:** This was my 1st chapter, Im very exited! Please Review and I will know how to write more._


	2. Chapter 2

_**AN:** This one tacklies a sirius issue._

i was born in Canadia and moved to Europe. The next day i wook from my coffin. It is mad of glass to keep out the sunlight when I sleep. I put on a tought blk T-Shirt with Yearo Zero logans all over it.  
_**AN:** I saw NIN last time they were in Tdot in Augst._

My hair was messy so I put on a beat-up baseball cap over it. My jeans were red and blak striped, and I put on a belt covered in spikes & a large sliver buckle. Then I put on Nicky running shoes. "You look frickin' sweet!" sad Crabbe smoking a joint. He is my roomate and also not a retard. 'Yea!'

I was walking past the loo I heart a shrek. Iran in and saw some muscle-bounhd Jock beatin' on Hermione. She fell on the floor conservatively and tears limped down her fase.

'Get of her u Twat!" I swore as I grabed him. The Jock had on a wife-beater, glasses and a scar on his forehad. He did not look cool. He suckerpunched me in the nose and ran away.

"Are you ok?" Hermione said and rubbed my nose. It made a cracking nose i laughed because I likes teh payne.

Hermione is pretty even though she is in Grynodr. She wore a long flowing robe of whit with stencils on the top half and her blonde hair went down her shoulders. Hermione is also 17. Her eye was black and blue and looked bruized. She was bleeding and I felt hungry. I saw in her pocket that she still had the pan with the crest in it.

"That was Harry Potter he wanted to rap me. I am going to get my nipples pierced today do you want to come lol? I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

_**AN:** Woot!_  
"I thougt u were a Jock!" I said all surprisedly. Herminnie shroged. 'I juiced want to b cool now instead of a loser. Its the 1st step to anewme"

"School is also !important: We shall go after c1ass," I implied as I rubbed my hands thru her wavy blonde hair. It felt liek sand and got stuck

"Thnx 4 the rescoo." She winked at me then left. My heart skipped a rope and I cud feel something new i had never b4 felt.

I relised I didn' have class so I went to dormitorry. Crab was watchin a sop opera and eating Dortoes. It was that 1 wear the blk brother & sister do it all the tim.

I took of my cloths to get changed & looked at my bas-ads tatoo in the miror. It is a fiery skull. It's magic and speks in riddles when the time is write but not now. I put on LRG black baggy jeans that were held up with a belt made of chain. The sleeves rolled over my army surplus combat boots. I wore a crimson red business shirt, the kind with buttons and a collar, under a blk sleevless vest. I also a black tie and coomed my hair to look profesinal. I looked like that guy from Greenday. "Tought!" said Crabbe energasticly.

We played Halo and then I went to meat Hernia outside. She owned a white Unicron and rode it to Jogsmeade. I walked. It was sunny and the snu was melting. It turns out Hermine is Not a Vampyre, but I am not a Racist and donut care.

"I am tyred of Hairy beating me up," said Hermon sadly as she brust into tears. "I will becom a Rocker and you will teach me how to b cool!" I smiled. "Dont let Harry Potter hurt you!" "And that is why.."

We went to Silver & Ink. SI for short. "You art not old enuff," said the clerk but then saw me and said "Oh you are Fire's friend! please sign these forms." Hermion took out the Hogwarts pen and wrote everything. I satted in the weighting area well she went in the back. She came out l8r and we left.

As we strolled right the street and I nervously took her hand in mind. I felt sweaty. I had not eatten all day and felt very hungry. There was a 1st-year student. I grabed the newbie by the heir and forced his head to 1 side. He shrekied as I snuk my teeth into his neck. The puncture sprayed blood evrywhr like a Water Wiggling Water Snake Sprinkler Toy. I draned him 100% and threw his husk into the ditch.

"OMG what did you do?" asked Hermione scardedly. I whipped blood off my mouth and my red eyes flashed red.

"LOL Im a Vampyre and feed off and on the living!"

She smiled and leaded me to the....... Forbiden Froest!


	4. Chapter 4

It was dark and snooky. "We should'nt be here because of the bad horses" I implicated as we walkt into the trees.

'& huge spyders!' Hermion said excidetly as she twirled HGWTS pen, she was high from the dang'er. 7 she looked so hawt then pulld me closer & kissed me on teh lips with her mouth! I felt all sparky in my chest so I kissed at her too. With my tong. We felled into a pile of Maple Leafs and I kissed her on top.

She took of my pants and i yunked off her dress. Her bar flew off with magick. Her breasteses neumatic and pierced nipples. We kissed more and I slopped. "Are you sure..?" but she said "I cant yelp myself uv mad me into a complet Whore."

I jumbled my part inside her box-area and we had teh sex for a while. I listened to closer in my brain.

"Through every forest, above the trees Within my stomach, scraped off my knees I drink the honey, inside your hive You are the reason I stay alive"  
_**AN:** Trent is god._

I was ready to end sex but

"What the fuck?" said a voice. it was ......... ... ... Sirius Black!


	5. Chapter 5

'O my!" I yelled all surprisedly. Hermne was red and jumped into her gown. SRS look'd all scary & mad. He was dressed in brwn weathered Azkaban robes and his heir looked fruzzled. His muddy feet were bear and looked just like Desmond from the Hatch in Lost.  
_**AN:** Desmond is the pansy with stupid_hair that killed Charlie!!_

"Shutup u unconfident goons!" shooted Blk. We flew silent and fellowed him back to the Castle & he took us to.... ..... Dumbledore and Professor Snape! I flet worried. "They were having forbidden in the sex forest!" SRS screamed madily.

"You are on the lamb" inquested Snape and SRS teleported away.

"How can u be so foolish and wreckles?" moaned Dumbledore. "What if the horses ate you? Think!!!!!"

"Because I love him!" streamed Hernine & kissed me & every1 fell silent. I felt confused and hearty: 'O rly?"

"WE; Voldermort will kill them soon!" cackled Snape. "5 points to Fire for scoring NOW GOTO DORM."

I left depressedly. Crabbe stood on the ceiling like a bat. "I ate drugs."

I felted like crying but Ima dude so I changed instead. My PJs were rd-&-grn plaid and very tight. I didnt wear a shirt and looked all shirtless.

The door knocked & it was ...... .................... Hermione Grsnger! What are you doing!?".

"IM sorry. We shudnt see eachother & I return ur pen." My heart felt all achy.

"But wait," so I kissed her. "I think Im starting to care-"

"YOU CAN'TT!" She yelled & slapped me, then kissed me. We embraced together.

"But this time there's no tomorrow,.." I sent and this time i meant it to be true.


	6. Chapter 6

_**AN:** Alot of ppl r redin' but only 1 review?_

I wookup the nexxed day in my cofin. Crabbe lay all hudled on the floor but hewas ok. I put on this navey blu T-shrt tht sad 79 on BIG bloody ledters on frunt it showed of my sexy arm muscle. For pants I wear this shiny blue 1s tht look liek the 1s Ethan wears on 90210. & Army Boots. My hair looked all screwy so I had a shower then made it look unbad.

I went down to the g8 hell for brekfast & grabbed a mug of coffee to wich i felled with blood 4 nourishment. I lited a Benson & Hedges 100 cigarette with this really cool! silver Zippo I own. A voice bumped me from behind and it flew everywear. "ARGHHHH," I said.

I turned around to see a ravingly prety goth lady with pailed wht skin. She had on a drk grn leather dress that showed of grat cleavage and it was ridged like a seashel. She had this diamond-thingy in her long floeing curly ravven-blk hair and this Black Metallic armbands on her forearms. Teh most strikingest part was: insense blu eyes tht were deeper then the sea. Theys covered with tinny wht sqyares. ROBOT eyes!! Her blue locked on my red (for gr8 contrast!). Strang new gurl was _almost_ as petty as Hermint.

"Who r u?" I 4get about the coffee. "Hellu my dear, my nam is Sarah Brightman. My friends you can call me Blind Mag." Her lilted voice spoke with a Brakmstrant acent. "I'have juiced moved into England and Im tryning to become a magical Witch."

"Wicked!" Fire said enthustally. "You are SO Rocker & were friends now!"

"Why yes my dear" she said politedly with a huge smyle. She is also 7th year.

Hermaline poked me in the back with the pen and lured me away.


	7. Chapter 7 The Hand that Feeds

Hermione draged me away and I sawed her hair was blu and spikedly. & she'd Pierced nose. For clothin' she wore blk fishnet stalkings under a marsh grn kilt and stelito high hells. She had on a blk tanktop that showed of her boobs and you cud see sh was without bra. She had .. ribbed? .. armbads and a sharpspikey calor 'round her neck. She loked very Rocker. So hawt. I relized we were goin' to make it as a cuple.

"OMG ur har is blu," I said al shcoked.

"LMFAO yes I am becoming cool so Harry Potter shannot rape me!"

"Do u talk off your BOYFIEND." sad a voiz. I spunned round and it wuz SRS BLK & ...... ......... Ron weasley! "I will tail my grandstone u cheted on him wit Fire." Je ne comprends pas!!

I spuned around and Hermion was now crying. "WHAT." I yelled. Hmerion stated to weep. "Im sorry I lyed to u, Harry Potfer is my BF!" I couldnt' beleive it! My hat snapped in half. "He rapes u & u still dates him? We are Finished!" And then we broke up. We died not make it as a cuple.

"Hahahahahahahahahaha," sed Ron Wimply in a statistic maner. I felted so ANGRY because he was a Jock. "You stop!" I yelled but he did not. Hermia snapped Ron and his face started to Bleed It Out but he kept loffing. Then she kissed at me and I push'd away. "No" "No". "You bastard!" she shiekd and threw the pen at me. It gut stuck in my shulder blaid. "You sex me and then dump me!" I flat so bad at her.

Hardly Potter came. "Son I must tell you -" stated SRS. "NO!!!" I yelded and so did Hermani1. "She sex him." Harry looked pissed of and punched me in the noise ajin. Snape also came because of the nose. "Oh boy." SRS teleforted away.

"The Dark Kord will kill you all!" laughedly Snape. I walked all sadily away and Hermoni fell on the flor crying. 


	8. Chapter 8

They put Blind Mag in Slyerin b4. I satted on my coffin & thot about sad. "Me & Hamline broked up," I said explainedly. "She wuz cheatin' on her BF that beats her but I still care at her & we had sex."

"Wud u liek sum?: profered Crab inocently. He was smo'king a big splif & touching his inapropriatedly. "Jalapeño?-flavour'd wrap."

"No. Drugs are not cool. They r 4 retards & ppl that have incest," I yelled. Crabe kapt sloking anywise. 'U ned to get ova Hemarnine; Plz take dregs?" NO!  
_**AN: **Do not do drugs! Stay in skull!_

Al of a suden I herd a beautitful voice singeing so I left. I wundered who so I chsaed it outstide to frobeddon Forest. It was warm & summery. I folowed it to a tree stomp in a wooded cleering. it was incircld by happy woodlend cretures and kitens & squirels and such. No bears. I listened at the words:

"I wish for this night time  
To last for a life-time  
The darkness around me  
Shores of a solar sea  
Oh how I wish to go down with the Sun  
Sleeping, weeping, with you"  
_**AN: **This b Nightwish._

The lovly voic, it was comming from....... ............ Blind Mag! Her eyes played holograns. I walked over & calped appreciatingly. "That was exuberant!"

"Ha-loo my dear," coed Blend Mag. "Thnx for the audience! Why is tht Pen stuck in ur shoulder?"

"Oh that;" she wretched it out and the hole stated to bleed sexily. "Thnx 4 the sugary!" "it was my leasure,". "You can keep that." "Ah.. ." She pocked HGRTS pen.

'Would u liek to hang out wit me?" I asked all sensatively.

"Nothing could make me happier!" she said all warmedly. I relized i had statted to have feeling 4 Blinded Mag. Also still Harmony. It was very conflusing. We went together to computro lab.


	9. Chapter 9

"U. Have. Mail!" said Mr. Computer. I opened & there wuz a .png of sum evil frood with rd eyes and snake-nose. He blk robes on but it was aparent he != a Rocker. The backgrond was transparant. 'OMG itz Lord Voldermort!' I shouted all surprised. "How did HE get online!?" asked Blind Mag all hororfiededly. mail:

Dear Fire,  
Thou must KILL Kermione Granger. The true LOVE of Harry Potter! Destroyeth her & I canst convert him to EVIL :lol:. Doeth this and I will grant thou deepest desirae! Fail & i shalt kill her anywise & U2.  
Yours in fath, Tom Ridle

Dis wuz very shockin'. "Crokshanks!" i yeld & the email wuz dletd wit magick. "Shud we tell Bumbledoor my dear?" asked Blind Meg all hotily. "Wait a tic; What DOES i want?" I thot outload. Maybe a moustache? Or a motorbyke? Or new shoes..? I constamplated for a few minutes while Blind Meg jumped on MSN. "Let's go to The ROM of requirening i hav a plane."

We left & saw Sean Faggotry, stupid Jock; playing hacky-sac wit otters. He'z a tall lanky aryian bitch. I gave him teh finger bcuz I hates him.  
_**AN:** Dis is U Sean! :P_

In the Requirment i walked 2 Esired's mirror. Explaindidly I said "Dis will show me what I want," I peered in copiously. My reflexxion stood in the midle & was surrounded by dead corpses not alive. Hermione!, Blind Mag!, Crabbe!!, all professors! al students!, Voldengoat! Cappie!! even SRS BLK! Every1 I knew, they were all SEAD!! (Odly, Harry Potter wuznt there.)

'Mi word!' I said very surprisedly. My brains went everbody dead? Evn Hermangy? "Wat do u c? "uh.., im eating a bowl of Cherios!! Tasty!" I lied. Blind Mag still caried my pen & I didnot want to hurt her but i quest my brawn does . Ill protect her from it.

She peared in the miror too & her eyes went all whitedly. "OMG We have class RIGHT NOW!!" she said studenly and grabbed my hands & plowed me to Transfugamation.


	10. Chapter 10

I jump'd from coffin and gut on these worn-out blu jeans wit a tear in the kneecap. I put on a blk tank top to accentiate my huge shoulders with a big Nitemare b4 Xmas Skull on it, Fingrless gloves & blk coniverse shoes with wht laces. I made my noir hair kind-of spiky with gel and enjoyed a midnight sharow of chin stuble. My nails were blk and my eyes are still 2 velvet crimson orbs. Tres séxy!

The room was empty & i look'ed for Crabe. "Im nude under invisibity cloak" he said hiddenly . Blind Mag aparated & sed 'We must goto Transfixion c1ass!" She wore long flowing blk gown like Morticas. I took of her hand and we runned there. We sat together and i rubbed her arms gently. "Plz dont, i am depressed' 'oh';

Harry & Hermane sat together bcuz their dating. She had on Rocker jeans and a shirt. She looked PO & Happy as she kissed Harry's sideburn romatnically. Her eyes were also romantic at me & I got warm in my heart. Also envy so i draped myself over Mag. "My dear I am having depression, please shop. "

"Greatings c1ass we shall start with question 1" said porfessor McGonagle. Harmion used her wand & turned feather into a petit dragoon. "No you stupid imbecile!" sheiked McGonagle. Mag did the wand and the feather exploded into HAPPY. "OMG that is most amazing you wondaful swan! You r a much better witch than Hermion!" shrieked McGonagle. Mag beemed but also sad.

"Fire you bastard" screamed Hermion. "I was smrt b4 I dated u! You are at it!" "You may not talk that way!" yelled Mag & jumped up. "Fuck off you blind bitch!" snarled Harmony. "Harlet!" "Tramp!" "Bovine meance!!" They jumped to eachother in slomotion and statted to fight all painfully kicking & slapping. Also cursing! "Curcio!" "Ava Kedabra!" "Twitlit!!" Hermin soccerpunched Mag and her face went all bloodily in slowmo. "!NO!!!" I tried to stop but it was 2 late so she fell on ground.

I propped Meg up but she snacked me qently & ran away crying angstily. Hermione look'd all smug & bitchy. Also hawt. 'We shud talk Fire.' Blind Mag ran away and dropped my pen!!

The lesson cont. L8r Dumbledore came and said "Blind Mag has been found she has comitted suicide by with a gun."


	11. Chapter 11

_**AN:** Dis chapter has SPOLERS 4 Lost. So go watch dat 1st._

i was soo sad I felled over cryying. "OMG teh NO!!!!!!" Blind Melon IS dead! NOOOO! I ranned to her room and Dundleore said "NO" all shoutidly but i saw Meg's face was 'sploded everywear! Blood OMG! Her Robot Eyes on the flor dead. The Pigs where takin' polaroids and hiding the body under a cape. "!N!O!"

Depresseingly i went outto the quad & sat on a tube. I used magick & triad to kill at myslf with gun but i cudn't go trho wit it. Harmye chased up and sat beside all sexily. Her cleavage was all tought and she rubbed my sneg. "Itz ok shes ina better phase now." "Wat cud be betr than Hogmorts skohl?" I mooned. "Haven" I thot that Maralde was right. Harmony was smily all hawt at me. Oh man..

"Did u see lost?' she asked incredipulsely. 'OMG i cant belive Jon Lock kliled Jerome Banthom!!1' "It was a surpize!!!" "Now he wents to kill Jack & Freckless!" "OMG"  
_**AN:** thts the spoiler!_

"We shud get back 2gthr," Hermone said wisely. I felt diet. "You have still dating Harry Potter?" "We cud kill him. " "O RLY?" " Yes. And you can syre me into a Vampyre so we shant live 4ever tgthr." "NOPE!" i shouted. 'I cannt make you a Vampyre it wood be cruela. Drink blode & nvr die, its imotal life of lonliness & despecization. I cant do dat to u." "Haha!" mocked Sean but Hermany kicked him in the chin and he ran away weepingly.

She sed "Think aboot it. There is Beach Party Rite Now do u want to come lol?" 'Ok' so we went.

But 1st I put these marsh-grn bathing trunks with light-grn flower stencils all over; Held up with drawstring. A shirt did I not wear but I also wore these increbly dark-blu snailglasses to hid my RED portals to teh soul. Also blk flipflops. Hermione had a rouge string bikini & you cud see most of her bod. . She looked MUCH older like 22 & you could see her Pierce bobs so huge they nearly fell out! We ranned hand-in-hand to the sandy beach. There was a fyre in the midle & ppl dancing around dancily. The band plaid on. I gasped. "OMG its teh Straberry Alarmclock!!" wit 'Incest & Pepper Mints!  
_**AN:** BTVOTD iz awesome movie!!_

Hermione and I drunked some Vodka & Absente & Tequila & Beers. I smoked ciggaretes & Hermony some pot. I felt hungrish & I grbed Colin Crevly teh goober. He cried so I bite his nek and suck of his blood. Hermione got so exited she pulled of my pants & took my Jolly Roger in her piehole all sexily. & it felt really gud. I gept drinking Creevy while Hermily made mouthsexs at me so I had a cigarette & alcohol also. Nobody minded because we looked so hawt doing dis. Creevy was 59% dead when

Al of a sudden SRS BLK teleborted in and flimed with hsi Cellphone! "Dis is goin' strat on uTube! You != Champion! They'll see the REAL Fire & uwillbe flowerless to stop Voldermort!" Oh knoe!


	12. Chapter 12

_**AN:** IM sorri dis 1 is so long but I had 2 many gud ideas!_

Ron had sawed what waz happening & he laughed starcastically. "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha."

B4 the party Hermione took teh pen that Blind Mag dropped it before she comited sucide. Now she wiped her mouth and jumped to sky in slowtime & flewed thru the air at SRS and i watched, but still had a big thingy. Hermone fell hard on SRS to pussed him over rollingly & stabbbed him thru the eye wit the pen. Still in red bikini, looked so hawt. All the ppl around statted to scream & get scared. 'Yikes!" I yelled & launched half-ded Collin & put of my green swimpants. Colin sailed into Ron Webbley and which knock him facf4ist into fyrepit. "AH!" he jump wit face on fire and spuned 'round 2 knock Sean into Strawbery Alarklock guitar his hand got sliced of from teh string. "Oh no!"! The quitar went flying & riped off 1 of SRS' legs. "Ava Ke-bra!" I shooted at SRS but mist & it blew a hole through Coling's chest. So he step on SRS phone & it crunced. Beaver cracked 2 bottles of Smirnof into Colin's face yellingly "Party foul!" Then he pick tossed Collin into the fyre. "Zoinks!" he sacred as he caught ablaze like a ragdol. "Thnx Beav!" I call'd over the scramming.

SRS pickd up phone with pen in eye happily. "Teh lens is cracked by the hardrive is gonna b OK!" I felt so weak but I kenw what haded to b done in order 4 me to b able to stop Voldengort when the time is write but not now. Hermoine looked at me & we both nodded. "Voldamfloat will kill all of u!" said a new voice it was ,...... ......... Snape & he showed up with McGoggly & Dondledrapes. They all arrested BLK as he is the Prizoner of Akaban. "ARG!" yelled Colin then he die. Hermon ripped the pen out of SRS eye & he bellowed in pain but we all laughed bcuz he is a prick. & I'm a sadist anywise.

Snape ripped the phone away sharkily. "I will use da vid to destroy Fyre so the Dark Lord will reign SUPREME! Then he may kill you all!" Hermione grabbed Snap firmly by his head, tossed him backwards & frenched him pationately. With her tongue! I SAW my chance so i smatched the phone & pocket'd it so Snape no longer has't. All was safe, huzzah!

"What are u doing you insolent tools!?" stupered McWonagle as she survey'd the Carnage. The SAC singer walk'd over & wrapped his arm & sed "Hey Minerva, chillz; whats ur poison?" "Oh my scar hertz!" I shouted & the fyre-shaped scar on my foorhead screamed. It is also the reason my named parents me Fire. My eyes rolled up & turned white so I cud have a vision. It was Blind Mag & Voldenmort was torturing her! (No rape tho.) My eyes turned back to normal red. "Whad did you c my son?" asked Albus all consortedly. "Heisn't here we must go!" screamed Hermione firiously and yelled "ACIO EAGLE!" it came & se jumped on it. "No more raep!" she cried trumpantly. "You must kill Harry Potter 4 me." 'oh Den we can finish sexs? Mes écrous tournent le bleu!!' I axed hopefully. She said all sexfully "Definitely!".

We flew ova the castle & saw him on da highest spyre so jumped down of Eagle. "Harry Potter, you muts die!" I yelled ragefully as aimed my wand at him heart. He spunned around & shot a spell at me which knocked me over so the wand flew away. I stood up & he punched me in nose. I do a sidekick and run up a wall do another kick & his band flies away too. He tacks a fighting stance & I reflect it. Battle we enter! We trade kicks & punches & do loads of Kunf-Fu attcks all crazily. It gets slow-motiony & I dodge punchs I do other stuf whoa. A storm starts raining so it starts to ran all over the place. And some Gregorains sing in the backgrond to add maek everything moar dramatic. The most strongest upercut hits me over in the chast & I spilt out blood when i stand up. I wipe of my mouth & IM totally PO.

"Play time is ova!!!!" I yellow & pull my arms back & get so angry to unleash full Vampyre STR. Red starts to burn all around me like fyre. My muscls get even more bulgingier & I grow a foot. I have power-up and my face all Vamp with bumps. Huge fangs extract from my mouth. "Bleh!" I use a hookcut and it sneds Pota flying! His skull tracks hardly into a wall & he slumps over. I grab him by the feet and sing him into the wall & he cried all silently and I threw him towards the edge of the cliff where he slids crazily. "Bad Rapist!" I yell as I pick him of off his feet. "Einsteins mirror told me not to kill u but it looks like!" I feel reminded of song:

"Tokete itta kanashii koto wo  
Kazoeru you ni  
Kin`iro no ringo ga  
Mata hitotsu ochiru

Mita koto mo nai fuukei  
Soko ga kaeru basho  
Tatta hitotsu no inochi ni  
Tadoritsuku basho

Furui mahou no hon  
Tsuki no shizuku yoru no tobari  
Itsuka aeru yokan dake"  
_**AN:** Dis is from Macross Plus._

"For Great Justice!" I say all ragidely as the sunsets in the BG. "No wait stop!" cried Hermone all runningly but it waz too late as I push Harry Potter off the castle. He is all bloody & 50% asleep & fell down and land on back like Jon Locke in Lost only a Jock. His spine snapes. A dust cloud too. I powered-down from Vampyre and said "What is wrong Hermione? I am pragnent!


	13. Chapter 13

All the ppl went to hostpial. Ron put his face in a bandage, and Sean's hand, and SRS' leg & eye, and Harry Potter's back. Colin is dead from fyre so he's in a bed beside Harry that is still unconsious from the figt. I had sobered up now "OMG wat haev I done!?" I moaned.  
_**AN:** Dis is why u shudnt drink aclohol!_

DR. came and prounced "There is dramatic shock to the spinel collumn resultin' in masive nerve dyspunction. Its xtremly rare but maybe: spontantaneous repair of dead issues. Wit proper rehablitation teh patient may recieve rewarding life! .. as a paraplegic. He needs wheelchair." SRS brust into tears at Harry's news & made a rude chesture at me.

"5 points from Slytherin!" yelled McGonagle. "And no moar parties!'

"Madam, Fire saw a vision!" said Hermione all pregnantely as she fiddled with pen. "Voldermort has Blind Meg in torture."

"Dont be redundant you blasphemous idiot," said McGonagle. "U have done enuff bad stuff for now!" She left.

"Do u still love me?" asked Hermion. I stalled bcuz i hadnt put much thot into it. "uh, I "care" at u.. but we gotta rescue Mag!"

Hermany nodded & took of her wand & did a spell so we went to his house. "Dis is our plan". Then we heard Voldermort coming!!!


	14. Chapter 14

We heard Voldenmort coming so Harmony jumped & hided on the Chandler. I tried to use invisiblty clock but it was 2 late!!!! ! But wait turns out its SRS cousin not Voldernmort ...... Belleastrix Le'Strange! She had a worn-out blk Victorian dress that looked old and fancy, the top half was covered in stencils. Her hair was 50% done in ylw streaks and 50% blk. She also wore blk arm-length leather gloves and sevral high-quality runic rings. Hueg bewbs, some cleavage that looked mighty damn hawt, but she glowed evilly and erradiated beatufilly. She look'd just like Marla Sing'r from 'Fight Club' only not a crackhead.

"Well if it isnt Voldemort's greatiest enemy," she crowwed molevantly. I reached at my qand but she did a freeze spell, i cudnt move! She walk in circles 'round me CCW. "Fire his Lord command u to kill that Grangey bitch but istead u try to kill Harry Potter. Dis simply is not help.' Oh noes I 4got to tell Hermin im 'sposed to kill her; Shes gunna b PO.

'Oh..

Belle* stoped & eyed my bathing & shirltess questionably. "I can c y all the girls throw themsleves on u Monsieur Beyonde. Ur dastardly charm, Magellan muscles, Vampyriic, & dos eyes.." she peeked into my deep reds and her lips went all hearty. Then she jumped on me & statted to kiss at me everywhere. I realized my special-friend was all stiffy so I kiss of her too. We fall over & I sexily pul of her dress then rub her pointies all sexfully. She exportedly guides my hardy into her squaring spot. and we do it all sexily.

Harlony saw her chance while I detracted Belle, she jumped off the callender & unblock cage with PEN. OMG I cudn't believe it. Blind Mag != dead!!, she walk'd out of cage all hottily. I cancel sex with Balistic.

"I shud prolly kill all of u but Fire is a rouge stallione that timed my heart. U may leaf, but quickly now." "Arghhhhhhhhhhhh!" scrams Heriony & slaps Belatricks for making sex at me. The 2 fight all sexily since Belle is nekkid & Harly is still in bikini.

"I thot you killed yourself!" I sed all surprisedly. Blind Mag smiled happily.

"My dear, I look'd into the mirror to c all ded ppl so I got depression," she said explainidly. I was very surprised. "Voldamort must've made thje mirro depressin' so nobody wud kill Karry Potter." "My dear!"

Hermion knocked Bellatrix on her ass & turned to Blynd Mag. "Fire is my BF, maybe babby-daddy, so back away!"

Meg said "OMG I must spek at Dumbledore rite away!!" 


	15. Chapter 15

"Its the next day now and I oepend the hinge on my cofin. It was weekned so no school. I put on a tight blk Slevless Tanktop to show of all my arms because their so big. Also I wear these dark blu genes I got from Old Navy. I do not have blk wings because thatd look stupid, but I also put on a neckless with a cross on the top. I made my hair look all spiky blk. And dark ruby runny shoes.

I look out the window and it's so sunny & warm. Beautiful sumer day. I go outside & start to do a jog around the school for xcerise. I had a lot to thunk about. First there wuz Hermiony, raped & also pregnant, but who is father/ Also Blind Mag, she's so hot & also comited suicide. Lastly there was Bellatrices whom I had made sex at, but she works wit Lord Voldermort so i donut love her-

"Gwaa!' jumped a voice that knockd me over. It was a creepy Ginger kid wearing a white phantom mask. He wore a fine black tuxedo wit fancy blk dress shoes, a dark red tie, and a long flowing blk cape. So scary! 'I m Ronald Wesley. You have destroyed my face with when u pushed me into that fyier. I m gong to kill you! Gwaaa!' said Ron.

I flat bad dat i did that but also so angry because Rob is a Jock. "MORITE CANE MICIDIALE!!" I shooted wit my wand & Ron went flying. I kept at thinking & jogging. 1st i fell in care with Hermione, but then we broke up when she dated more at rapist Harry. Then I did that with Meg until she got depression & shoot herslaf. And then we got drunk & Hermione had mouthsex on the beachparty until i tried to kill Potter 4 her. .. But then it turned out Meg was alive-

'Argh!' now it was Sean that jumped at me with a hook hand. 'Ur guitar sliced of my arm, now im legend monster!' he said. 'Get outta my way Faggotry i m needing a run.' 'No' I ranned around him & he called me a rude word i wont repeat. Maybe Belatrix is the woman i love? She is VERY good at sex. Hermony is kindof bitch and has my pen & Meg is so sad-

'You chooped of my leg & my eye!' scrammed SRS from the brushes. Pegleg & iPatch. 'o 4 fucks sake im trying to run!!' i yelled at him. 'Bleh! U paralyzed Harry Potter & now were goin kill you Fire Bitter Psychotic Valentine Beyond!'

'Oh yeah?' u say all daramatically.


	16. Chapter 16

"Do you realize the maimage you cause?' Sirius BLK said all angredly. His eyepatch was black & his pegleg was made of wood. 'My Son will never walk again.. unless there is miracle! But that will never happen.'

'Oh yeah." I shout. "Maybe he shouldve thought of that b4 he went on a raping-spree of 17-year-old woman! Now shes pregnant & nobody even knoes who the father is!' I contemplated 4 a moment while Sirus looked pissed off. 'Wait, if she takes a pregnancy test we can figure out! That's brill!' SRS gave me the middle finger rudely.

I was about to punch him when Blind Mag showed up. She was wearing this crazy rouge outfit and looked like Jean Pheonix from X-Men 3, the crimson shirt had blk straps across the chest and frilly stufs on the end, it swept down into a half red. dress For pants they were tight blk leather & salmon-hud fishnet stockings. Also knee-high leather boots. Her hair was now cardinal red like Willow Rosenberg's and her eyes glowed blu like 2 glowing bluberries. It took my breath away but she said 'I told Albus what Voldermorte did at my robot eyes, my dear.'

'Wat u say?' i say. 'My dear, he did evil magick on them for sum reason.' 'No i men you cannot call me 'my dear' Mag, I think im dating Hermione now.' 'It is a term of endeerment. its Not Romantic or anything.' 'O rly? I did not know that.'

'I will now kill both of u!' yelded SRS very angredly. Mag touched his brain with her wand & he fell over. I wonderd if she killed him. 'I wonder did u kill him?' 'No my dear, but he is a very angry Frood. Didn't they send him bak to Azkabian?' We walk'd twards to the school thru teh Forbiden Forest. I never finished my run but I still had endorfins.

'My dear i never got a change to thnx u 4 saving me from torture,' she said all hot & morosely. I thot about Hermione & Mag, My heart felted torn by wanting to be with both women at once. 'Wat did u haev in mind?' I asked at her smilededly. She took my head in her hand & kissed at me full on the lips wit her mouth! I slepped back. 'But Hermion-' '-She is using u my dear. Cant u see it? Once u have killed Hary Potter she will drop u like last week's ice. Im so sorry for the truth'. I opened my eyes all widely from this data. Blind Mag looked so sad but also honest & I felt all I felt all hearty in my stomach. So I kissed at her sentimentaly with my tongue & everything.

She statted to take of my shirt and rub at my back which felt very much good even though Im a Vampyre. I also rubed at her back & we made out somemore & sat together all romantically on a log. 'U r very good at magick," I praise her all sexfully. 'Some day u will be the beast machine in the whole world and will have more magick than everyone!' Sarah turned all red & looked embrased. 'Your flattergy is too much!' 'No i men it. Remember when u did that feather in c1ass?' 'My dear, my ears are burning," she pointed at red ears. I klept going anywise. 'And you have the mostest beautiful singing voice ever! You could sing Opera or b a Rock Star, OMG you are the one I love!" I say all relizedly. Blind Meg was red everywhere now 'cept her eyes. 'Also smrt!'

She made more kisses at me and i uncorked her bra. She uncliped my belt & slowly pulled down off my pants. i rub her rounders all carefully with my teeth and she flipped around my you-know all seductively. Then we navigated into her place-area & made of sex. She went on top & i rolled out on the ground. Dis was my 1st tim having sex & also hers, she had wanted to wait until marriage but changed her mind because I saved her. She had an o-word & i did too. We wrapped into eachoters arms & laid in the grass. I hoped nothing will ever happen to her again.

"Argh!" bleated a pregnant voice. It was.... ...... Hermione Grenger! "You blind ho! You-" she had begun to scram all curses again but I stood up all naked and said "No more."

"Wat?" "We r finished again. Do not yell at Blind Mag, if you do yell at me," I said explainidly because "we r no longer dating Hermine. 100% finished. Now Go Away!" Blind Mag was also naked & hid behind me. 'You bastard!' Halmony kissed me then slaped me. My lips started to bleed. 'Fine WE just Go Away!!' Hermione kicked me hard & ran away trying she drop pen. 'Dat was very brave my dear," & Mag kissed me patiently while she took back the pen. I hopped Hermione wouldnt comit suicide.

Me & Mag walkd back to school hand-in-hand happedly & sawd a poster. NIN would play a concert in Hogsmeade rite then! We looked at eachother all surprisedly. 


	17. Chapter 17

_**AN:** More Lost spoilers!_

Blind Mag has a lady bodyguard with a huge blonde hair and a shotgun. Anyways she drove us to the concert place in a black limosine. Mag did some magick and then we had cigarettes & bottles of wine. I was so exited bcuz Ive seen NIN twice at the Air Canada Center & Trent is my hero. 3

We got tickets & went in, it was all dark & there were Rockers everywhere! They were all moshing to the opening band which was Tool. Maynard is okay too. He was sing'ing 'The Outsider which is a great! APC song while I talked at Mag. "OMG I cant believe Freckless is going to cheat on Jack with Sawer again! & Poor Julet!" "I kno! James is very rugged my dear! Now they live in the Dharma Initiation"  
_**AN:** This is the spoiler!_

Finally Trent Reznor & NIN came onstage I was so happy!! He looked so effing hot, I couldn't believe it!! He had on this really tight black t-shirt without any slogos on it and black military jeans. Muscles popping out everywhere!! His hair is black & he has the mostest piercing eyes. I wish to meet him iRL and give him a BJ but I'm not gay, I just think Trent Reznor is a pretty cool guy. eh sings music and doesn't afriad of anything. Anyways I got sprung. He sunged all my favourite songs including 'The Frail' & 'The Wretched':

"The clouds will part and the sky cracks open  
And god himself will reach his fucking arm through  
Just to push you down; Just to hold you down

Stuck in this hole with the shit and the piss  
And it's hard to believe it could come down to this  
Back at the beginning; Sinking; Spinning"  
_**AN:** Trent is awesome!_

Anyways I started to make out at Blind Mag and she rubbed my crutch all sexily & I got a you-know and we were going to have sex there but then a loud BANG and the band dissappeared! Oh no! Big pillars of smoke & fyir & all the Death Stealers walked on stage! Drago's Dad, Belestrix, the rat guy, Crab & Goyle's dad! They had new ppl too of Sirs Black & wheelchair Potter & Sean Fagotry & Hermions Granger! Also ........... .... Ron Resley. They all wore Death Masks. I threw Blind Mag behind me & pointed my wand all dangerously at them. The audiences got all scered & ran in circles yelling. "U shall not pass!' I shootd at dem.

"Hahahahahahahahahaha," laughed one of the badguys sarscastically & he pulled of his mask: it was... ..... ROn Wesley! Hermione the vampyre slayer jumped from the stage. "I have become one of Voldermorts team since u dumped me, asshole!' She slapped me & did a backflip, then ran at me with vampyre steak. Oh no! "Dissolvo!" yells Blind Mag & Hermion is throwed away.

"There are 2 many to fight!" I ask as they advance to us. "I also love you, my dear," whispers Blind Mag appropriately as the fier burns everywhere. We are most suredly doomed so we do a bunch of spells & curses at them. I pull a Patronius & a ginormous Vampyre bat attacks them. Huzzah!

Finally a heroin flies in dressed all Rocker on broomstick yelling; it was Professor McQuonagle!


	18. Chapter 18

From my coffin i roll out. I felt all tired from the concert yesterday and all the fighting that happened. Prof. Minerva McGonagil had startled away the Death Feeders b4 nobody got hurt. I put on a pair of loose blk jeans, a very tight T-Shirt with 'The Downward Spiral' shell on it, several rings and ear pearcings made from silver, and a Bud Light baseball cap.

Crabbe clapped briskly. 'Wow you look so Rocker! I wish i could look as cool as you do Fire!' 'Oh your dad is evil & tried to kill everybody yesterday,' I explain corruptably. Crab shrugs 'yea he does that.' and gave me a hug.

Blind Mag showed up & i kissed her all Frenchily. She was wearing black pants with buckles on the knees, a very loose black tank top with a lot of cleavage, a spiky blk collar, and several chains hanging from her neck. Her hair was curly and poofed out. Totally hot. Crabbe lited a joint to hotbox the dorm so we left because drugs are NOT cool.

'I cant believe McGonagal is a Rocker!' I all surprisedly say. Mag nods. We goto her dorm and watch a Rocker movie like Donnie Darko but then she wants to go to Hogsmeade so we do that. 'Oh yeah i told Hermione to get a test to figure out who is the father.' 'But we are together and she does not matter anymore.' 'She's in the PAST". We walked happily as the flowers started to grow & smell pretty. I plucked a White Rose up and hand it to Blind Mag. Her eyes do holograms while we walk.

'So do u want to get your nipples pierced?' I ask excitedly. "No, no!' she yells. 'Never would I ruin my body dat way my dear' 'O' 'I want to buy an old Nghtwish album b4 they got the new singer that yodels." I felt kindof disaponted that Blnd Mag was so uptight. Hermone GOT her nipples piercd last time and she IS so Rocker. Mag went into HMV so I stand around looking awkard.

Ron Wesley shows up wearing a black suit & white mask of a phantom. "Ron we do not fight right now," I say all siriusly. He nodds silently and slips me an envelope from his hand. It is sealed in Voldermorts crest! Ron walks away. 'What is it?'' I wonder what is it so i hide envelope b4 Mag comes back. It gets opened l8r on so

She takes my hand and smiles. I get sweaty & also hungry, so I jump on the closet first year. He gets all weepy when I snap his neck & quench my thirst with his refreshing blood. I finish the guy off completely & drop his lifelss body to the street. Mag looks all concerned. 'What did you do my dear?' 'LOL Im a vampyre & must drink blood to live!' She ran away scramming. 


	19. Chapter 19 Into The Void

I panick and run after Blind Mag into the ................ Forbidden Forest! Its so dark I cant see where. Spooky noise are everywhere! i know there are horsemans and spiders hiden that sometimes eat Hogwart' students! So I must rescue her from all that!

"BLIND MAG!" I say all yellingly. "WE MUST LEAVE B4 WE DIE!" Then I see but shes all cryingly & mite do suicide.

"You, you monster..' she sobed all miserably. 'Your a pscyhopath, my dear!' I tried to hug at her but she pushed me away because she hates Vampyres and is a racist. (Im not.)

"When I was born" I say explaindly and she brusts into tears. Rose petals fall of her face all Rockerly. So I get so angry : 'How can u care wat I am?' I punch a tree & my phist gets all bleedily & i enjoy the pane. IM sadist.

She cups my hand pulled me and kissed me then step off & say 'No' 'No'. I hold up my hands but she does more crying at me. 'I was in love with you!" she screamed & slapped me so violent & then rubs my chest. Now I feel like crying all sensatively so I sit down instead. 'But I love you too Sarah!" "no this canot be!' I touch her shoulder so she swats at me away.

My heart feels so achy, like it has been splintered with a malet and then broke into a bagillion pieces. I was so sad I cudnt believe the words that were coming but surely they would not be as bad as the words that were to come after. "Blind Mag I saved you from Voldermort dont you want some body to love dont you need somebody to luv?' I was so maculien & stood up & looked sexily into her permatrating bleu eyes.

'My dear, NO!" she said shriekedly. "How can you do these things, with blood & kill, my dear!?" She was so angry & depressed & lookd really hot too so I rubbed her red hair at with my hand & she kissed me again. It was doubleplus slow and debilerate. B4 she extracted I knew what we were about to do happen.

I was all hard so I took of her top but she aimmed teh wand at me all decivsely. "Fire, we are now broken ." And she ran away sobbingly. I felt so sad too I sat down with sexy water eyes. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1" I howled after her.


	20. Chapter 20

I was so miserable I couldnt think so I went to school, and sat in the gr8 hall beside all Sytherins. I ordered a triple hamburger, strawberry shake, and fries when Hermione slid up to me all sexfully. I was worried she would try to slay me because Im a vampyre.

"OMG did u hear somebody got killed?" bristled Hermione.

"Oh?" I wondered if it was somebody I ate.

"Cho Chang a Chinese Ravenklaw!" I shopped eating. "Some1 sliced her face all with a knife & set her body on fyre & threw it down the Gr8 Staircase" !  
_**AN:** She plays Quiditch!_

"Who could do dat?!" I felt enrageous. "Maybe Harry Potter?" Hermione was shruged. "Me and Blind Mag broke up now," I offered sorrowfully. Hermione took my hand in her hand and rubbed me with her hand.

"Im so sorry because u were so happy at her " she apolojised hurtedly. "I knows I can never make u feel so satisated."

:Oh no Hermione dat is not true! Its just sometimes I worrow that u were using me so we broke up" Now I have said Im sorry. Hermione looked deep into my eyes with her eyes and my ribs felt all warm & sparked. She pushed me back onto the table & jumped on top & started to make out keenly at me. Dishes fell on floor. She was so hat & straddled me all sexily. All the ppl around clapped because we were so hot kissing on the food table. 'Xcept Sean who looked angry and he's a tool anyways so who cares. She rubbed my spot & we started to screw right there.

"You bezerk dunces!" shouted Professor McGonagall. "You may not have sex right now! Fire I must speak with you & Albus Dumbldore. Please follow me." I ziped off my pants & followed her submersively. Hermione at my burger.

We went behind the Gregoyle into Dumbledore's secret office. He turned off his computer and talked at me "Fire we think u murdered a student, Cho. Now were not here to point fingers but this is unaceptable BHAV."

I freaked ot. "I swear I didnt murder that student!" McGonagal put her finger on my shulder. "Wait why isnt Snap here?"

She said all motheringly "Albus I dont think he did this crime. Fyre is The Chosen One, a noble Vampyre & that profesy says he will kill Lord Voldrmort."

I snaped my hands inspirationally. "Ha! Ill ketch the killer and clear my name! Give me a chance, its prolly Harry Potter."

"My son, I accept your chalenge. B WARNED: if u dont uncover the real murdererer we will send u to Azkabania " Dumbledore said all threatingly.

I looked between Minvera & Albus & we all nodded. "Im detective now." The Murder is Serious Business. I need a Fedora.  
_**AN:** Just like Angel!!!!_

I sawed Harry Potter in wheelchair rolling through grate hall & I inquested all sternly "Have you did the murder?" Ron was there too and shook his face.

"Harry is a paraplgic he can't kill nobody." I nodded logically. "Besides Harry loves at Cho." Studenly I saw Snape & McGonagal making out in the corner! OMG I took of the camera & filmed it to put on uTube & ruin Snape's career.

Snape looked up & shooted "Voldermort will kill you all!" & he ranned at me so I jumped under the invisiblty cloak.

"Haha!" I laughed and runs away. Now I need to find Cho's murderer or they will incinerate me in prison!


	21. Chapter 21

_**AN:** Dedicated to the memory of Drea._

When I woke up the next day I put on navy blue sweater and dark Levis' pants with a bright black tie with some stylish vegan footwear. I took off a hatrack this dark leather trench coat and put on a black fedora that looks kindof like a Trilby. So Detective.

"Have you seen any murder?' I asked Crabbe in a quisitive voice but he shooked his head all nopedly. 'They want to imprisonate me for killing Cho but I didnt."

Crabbed did a lightbulb! "I have a cunning plan : With the Gem of Amara u will have the power to find cuplrit. It was lost aeons ago in the bowls of the Trolls Cave." Crabbe handed over a map 4 it.

I nodded solidly and went outside to sit on a tube & read it smartidly. From 2 directions came ...... ............. Hermione Granger and .......... ................ Blind Mag! Hermiones died blu hair was all Mohawk now and she wear a black velvet renasance dress in parts with her nails painted brite red. Blind Mag's died red hair was all straight and she was in those long flower of a whit dress that had these bow deals going down the frunt. Her nails were also aquarmerine and her blue robot eyes glowed glowingly. Hot & Cold, Fyre & Ice, Red & Blue. I knew I must figure out the killer.

"Ha-llo my dear," Mag cooed and my heart went all tight. 'I have thot about u being a murderer; its not your fault that you chose to be a Vampyre. I forgive u and we can date again!"

"Mag have you killed Cho?" I asked all Detectivingly. She looked hurted.

"Fuck her," hermione said callousely. "Fire knows he wants me. I am teh love he wants to turn Vamp and live 4ever with."

Mag tutted. "Your manipulative. Fire does'nt trust you." Hermion gave at her finger & Mag shooted eye daggers.

"Have u seen my pen...?," i fiddled thru pockets. "I must write detective notes."

Mag did magick and a red toy wagon full of kittens appeared. I started yelling "AH WAGON!!!"

Hermion lookted at me all sexily & sed "Do u remember we met here exactedly 7 days ago? It's our 1week ansiverary." I knew she was true so she jumped on me and we started to kiss out! Mag walked away sadly but not suicidaly this time.


	22. Chapter 22

Oh the President of Magick came last time to Hogwarts with Profesor Umbridge. Me and Hermione were making out all hot on heavy when Hermione got hit in the head by a Quidditch ball. Sean Faggotry laughed. "Sorry I think I did that."

'Hermione rubbed the back of her head in pain but she is fine.' I stood up furrowtiously and walked up to Sean to ask 'You kill Cho?' But professor Umbridge started yelling. She came over with Dumbledore and McGonagall. I tried to look Detectively.

'I came to the school to tell all of you something,' she explained and rubbed her face. "We came to tell u that the only Wizard strong enough to kill Voldermort is Fire. Have you catch your murderer yet?"

"We think it's Fire" says Albus. "But we don't think it's him." Upbridge looked PO. Hermione fell over and her head stated to blood. I rushed over and started screaming "!NO!!!!!!" So I take of her body and rush her into school Hospital.

DR. put her in bed & wrapped her head under bandages. "A tramatic concussion to the back of her face has ocurred from being hit with balls. She will make a full recovery with partial Amnesia." I nod all sadily because Hermione is sick. "Also I gave her pregnancy results and only she knows whose the father." I put back on my Trilby hat because I must discover Chloe's assassin.

Ron Weasley runs into the hospital all phantomly and panicks. "Blind Mag has been kidnapped by cave-trolls!" Oh knoe! I unflap Crabbe's map so I can find their cave & save Mag while also find the Amara Ring. First I kiss Hermione's nose & use a broom to flyto cave. I feel all reminded of this song:

_**AN:** Theres no words but its "Hall of teh Mountain King"_

I crawl under invisibilty cloak and sneak craftfully down the cave. It's all dark so I turn on my wand. In the bottom are all the trolls and they have Blind Mag in bondage!! Huge pot, probably gonna make her soup. There are too many to fight.

I use magick & pull a double-barreled shotgun and start shooting at them all crazily. One shell unlocks Mag. They all run at me so I throw Blind Mag the wand & she does magick fighting too. It's all K-oS and they get exploded from bullets, blood & Gore and everything all violent! Finall it's just the Mountain King left and I shoot him in the head with a sword so I can take the Amara ring from his hand. Everyone is dead, huzzah!

Blind Mag hugs me all happily. "I was so scared my dear and I thot-' '-So your safe now," I saw reasuringally. She looks all deeply into my eyes and then starts to kiss at me! "I say wait, were no longer "together" anymore."

"You were my 1st and Only love. I would likes to repay you for saving me," she says most sinceredly. I nod all couragesly I carefully undress her and she does that at me too. I put my thingy in her box and we have sex all meaningfully. We are very good at it. (Probably shouldve left the cave of dead monsters first.)

So we goes outside and Ron Weasley runs at us. "There has been another murder and Umbridge is wanting of throwing you into the jail for it!


	23. Chapter 23

_**AN:** U shud wotch Lost b4 redding dis._

"We musted work 2gother to find the serial murderalist!" then I look'd between Ron & Blind Mag nrvously. "Can you belief Ben shot Sayid?" Ron says most increduously.

Blind Mag adds "I know! Juliet wants to have sexs at Jack again, my dear! Elso Sayer tooks Lsd. So plz tell us who has died now?" 'It turns out the killer killed Ginny Wesley," he said morningly "Shes been delapidated & rippt in 50% and putted on fire then somebody had sex at her corps.." Oh my, spooky!

I was READY! to detectify the psychokiller but 1st; There was txt on my phone "Has thou kiled Hermione yet?" It was from .................. Lord Droledermort! "Yea he wants u to kill her still!" Ron explanned. I nodded investigatorly

I ask 100% to sirisly "Dunt suppose u killed Clo and Ginny, eh?" Ron shook. 'Shes my sister yo!' "Then I have a ciller to catch!" I ran front to the school with Blind Mag in toe. She louked glorius & upset.

'Fire, wat we do? About US. Its liek, an andless cycle of breakup and sex wit u & me. How do we proseed, my dear? Do we have a fueture?' I rubbed her nose all sexfully wit my thumbs and looked romancly in her face. "uh, if Hermion is my pregtent than I must murry her. I cud n'ver abaddon that baby with 0 father.  
_**AN:** Is liek Angel with his soul & Connor a son!!!_

.. End If the Potter is it, its nut my problem & I shan date u: Blind Sarah! Bcuz u are my love, not dat bitch slayer." :)

so blind mag went back to room and I saw Cappie over there in a fuchia Tee-shrt wit a engel logo, blk arm-length sweater under that, wit deese things on his rists, some chains 'round his neck, and kinda worn-blu jeans and brn hair. "Watz up my pale blood-sucking fiend? u look all stress'd out' I slap him hapedly on teh back. 'Yea they think Im done all the bad murders; but it wont me! Has u seen any killering?" He shruged & looked all cappie. i made some notes on detective paper. "Fire! Come up 2 Kappa Tau house l8r we always have a party going!' I felt happy at dat.,

Wit the wand & transvaporated to the hospitel. All around the sickbed was me, Harry Potter and wheelcharo, Doctor, Professor MgGonagall, Dumbledore, Sean Faggotry, SRS BLK, Ron Weasled in fantomime. Hermione wook'd up she was wore this white gowen with blk spots and oepnd her eyes. I stapped forward & so did Harry, we looked angridly over eachother .

It was the moment that we had all been waiting 4, as only she knew who would be the father of babby so it is time to find out as soon as she tells us who it is.


	24. Chapter 24

"As I explaned erlier to Fire the Vampyre, the unopend pragnency results have ben given to Hermione Gringer," naratoed Doctor "& only she is knowing the true identity of her The Unborn child; of Harry Potter or Fire Beyonde." The room nodded in antici-paction "So she's now woked up from Shaun Faggotry's Qiddith attack and, after all this years, she can list all of us know who becomes the father?" Hermion nodded daramatically but all of a suden

Harry Potter punched me in the nose. 'Wat the heck is wrong with you pendejo!?" Fire yells angredly and red eyes BURNED in rage. "I wish this bastard is from your rapping so u are strapped wit Hermione & I run away all sexily with Blind Mag!!" Phantom Ron stepped 'tween us. "Harry is still angry how threw him off and paraplegicized him." I felt so ANGRY at all Jocks so I punched Harry back. His eyes bled & my stomach felt all hungrized.

"I can harly wait 4 Voldermort to kill u little fuckers..' muttered Sevirius Snape. "Let him tri!" proclucked Dombledore all smugedly. "We have 2 CHAMPIONS dat will stop him." 'But Albus; said profesor McGonagall 'We shud not let our gaurds down with a mudman on the loose! It cud b any 1 of us. PI Fire: have ur studies uncovered our culpit?"

I looked rejectdly in my Fedora. "Its probably Harry Potter- "YOU FOOL!" yelled SRS & slapped Fire. I pulled the wand and did CURCIO on him so he fell over all toruredely. Stupid git. Snape looked conpuzzled; "Albus, maybe it was SRS? He IS a terrorist, maybe he killed Cho Chang and Ginmy Weslaey?" I did a detective voice 'U kill them?" and srs sed no. Dumbldeore has cancer

I fingered the jar of Amara with my plans to use it & find said killer before he; or she; cud cause nymore harm, maybe even hurt Harmony! or Blind Mag!! I musted stop teh murders!

"I think Hermione wants to tell us about that baby," surgested Doctor. I got ready to fall on 1-knee for to perpose or sprunt to find Mag wit teh Good News.

We all gasped! "I have Amnesia" Oh knoe! 


	25. Chapter 25

So its teh next day now. I put on these brn stel-toed boots with drk blk leather pance and huge studly belt. My hair got all spiked with woodglu. I didnt bother to where a shirt so people could admire how my bulging chest are. Crab was doing yoka so I left all quietedly when I lit of my B&H cigarete. I bumped right into

a blonde gurl in an white sweeping elephant dress! Diamond Tiara! My cig went soaring............ i realiz'd it was Hermione! Sher hair wasnt blu & she != look Rocker nymore, like Chapter 1. Her beaty took my air away.

"OMG ur hair is yellow again!" I felt all shockiedly.

I am Anensia,' she offered oddidly. Hermion was defintely does not remembers me, I fel sad. :(

I rups my arm over her shouldr all protectedly. I'm so happy that shes not acting bitchy anymore. "Sup, my name is Fire, ur sortof my GF who mite be pregnant, also im a Vampyre so dont get sacred wen dat happens, plz dont comit suicide or ask me to kill people, okay honey?"

'WTF?" She smiled hapricotly.

We were waking along & saw a Poster for the School Opera which was gonna be happening later. Also were in dat wen we tried out b4 but u didnt see that part.

'Oh man, how u gonna remeber ur lines if youve caught Amnesia?" I moon all worriedly. She stapped walking and we face eachother. "Fire IDK anything, but I'm so happy you will help me. U R MI BFF & I # U" Then she leaned in closs & kissed me with her pink mouthsnake. My heart felt all sexy at this so I kissed at her rite back. Slowly i ru b her beasts cuddily under her dress. We prepare for sex but then !

I herd a SCREAM! and lookd up & sawed Blind Mag run away weepingly 100%. 


	26. Chapter 26

_**AN:** GowatchLost1st._

I kised Hermionz earlob "Plz wait here i b rite bak!!' b4 sprinting 2 follow Blind Mag.

She had the most craziest look in rob-eyes i thot she wud maybe KILL HERSLEF!!!1! So i wented to her bedroom & punded on the bathroom door. "MAG! MAG! MAG! .. MAG! MAG! MAG! MAG! MAG!! MAG! MAG! .... ..... MAG! MAG! MAG! " I yelded but i coud hear her insides makin' cry-noising. I kick in the door and get alarm'd.

blind mag was wearing these really tight red leather pants, so hawt. Also a tigte cobalt dres that showed off her melosn wit these frelly deals on the sleeves & had no back 4 moar Revealing. Her hair is still red and all out it looks so fine, but her nailpolish is also blue. All this blk makeup went down of her eyes from tears.

But oh nO! She wit magick has sliced up her arms all over the place. Like 20X for each arm she bled everywhere!  
_**AN:** Just like that guy from the Royal Tentbombs!_

"Oh my! I YELLED as blood went everywhere! She slapped me & my nose hurted. "You gloriious bastard!" she screaem'd "Now u return ot that scarlet Herman Granger! How could u.

'And wait' so I kissed her all pationably. She returnd it and we made ut while her arms cried live-juice allover me feet. We stared into eachothers eyes in a sexfull crackers. "OMG I cant believ Kate murder'd baby Erin my dear!' cried blind Mag & I shook her face. 'I know & Richerd Hatch will steel babby-Bens innocence!

Mag, your loosing alot ov blod, may I take u to the hostpial?" she agreed so I carreid her dere with magic. She got put in a bed and smiled happidly.

"Fire!' shriekd a voice that flew quickly on a broom it was Profesor ....................... McCowagalll! did u know 'Voldermort is Online' ?

I confessed yes, Why?

"FIRE: YOU MUST SAVE THE WORLD!!!!!"


	27. Chapter 27 Get Down Make Love

I blyndfolded Hermione and took her up the spiraly staircase up to the highest turret of the castle. She had on this Purest Feeling white gown that flowed everywhere in length, beautiful jewellery things around her neck, es well as a diamonded tiara sitting in top of her golden hairstyle. She glowed pregnantly like Adrinna on 90210.

I unfurled her hankerchef to reveal an elegant tablecloth on top with candles and a lovely meal all romantic. The Sars shined from above. She made "oo" noise all surprisingly. So we sat and ate and I took of her chair to sit on all Noble

"Im afraid Lord Voldermort is taking over the internet," I explained as I thoughtfuly chewed over the turkey. I also had a Corona with a lime floating on it. "He's erasing barcodes and will probably shot nuclear missiles at Japan & Oshawa." She nods worringly. "So i must go online and take him out. BY ANY MEAND NECESSARY." Hermione still has amnesia but she knows who Voldermort is because shes snart. "This is a suicide mission. Dat means this maybe my last night ON EARTH." Hermione started crying because she was so sad by my death. "Ally D. said I could spend my last night with the woman who I mosts love. Heers lookin' at u kid." I raise the beer to hers

"Do u know why the Nightgale sings?" she whispered coitally and blinked at me.

I threw over the table heroicly and she jumped on me all sexfully. She presed me into the side of the (.....molusk?) and rubbed my nurples with her palms. I ripped of the font of her dress & condled her beasts most hottily. She licked my eyebrow & rubbed the bak of my ears with magick. I seducively pulled out her dress & she stole my pants invisible gone at magick. And then we did it for a while after I put my you-know in her shady-place. Because I was going to die she even let me in her circumference. After sex i started crying because i was so scared Voldermort would kill me & then i could never graduate from Hogwarts and raise my The Unborn son with Hermione. But I must BE brave to fight evil!

My mind did a snap and I realized what I must do so I jump on 1-knee & sed "Hermione will you marry me?" all of a sudden Dumledore was there too with Harry Wheelchair and Ron. "Its time now."


	28. Chapter 28

Ron reformed is on a quest of redemption after being a Death Stealer. Dumbledore opened the portal with his wand and it whirled portally. "Quickly students, go on into the internet!!" Harry Potter is a little bitch & he is my arch-enemy. He takes the gryfindor Sword from the Telling Hat and Fire takes the Slytherin one; Fire's sword is MUCH bigger and better at sex.  
_**AN:** :LOL: :P_

Hermione sobbed & grabbed Dumbledore in a sad hug. I waved cheerfully. Me & Phantom jumped all boreanazly into the portal & Wheelchair rolled in. We spun around a bit and landed. "Prodijious!" shouted Ron. We were inside the internet and it was all white with spinny things. I wondered how to find Lord Vruldmeort.

"You probably wondered how to find Voldermort?" asked Dumbledore through the wakie-takie-ipod-camera-cellphone-GPS-mini-laptop-lightsabre. A blip blooped on the radar screen. "Their." I nodded so we mached along the landscrape. Except wheelchair rolled

"Harry's sorry about all the fighting thats happened 'tween u 2." Ron explained. I forgive Harry Potter & he is now one of my best friends. Harry was about to say something but then i saw "Shutup!" I made every1 quiet so we listened to a strang whistling noise. Oh no it's a missile, watch out Fire!!

So Ron & I jumped out of the wy but harrys wheelchair got stuck & there was a big explosion. Harry Potter is dead. Body parts rain from the sky in a gorific torrent of blood. His glasses all broken.

"NOOOOOOOO!" I moaned. Harry potter was 1 of my maties & voldermort has killed him. "Cummon!" yelled scared Ron so we ran away from the deadness.

"Ca-cow!" all of a sudden that hot chick thats Sirus cousin /death stealer fell out of the sky wielding 2 hatori hanso katanas. She was dressed in a brilliant scarlet samuraui suit and she had KungFu training. I charged at her with a sword & Ron backed me up so we did some fighting. *cling* *cling* "You are no match for me LOVER!" shouted that chick.

"Oh my!" I say all dramaticaly as she slices at me chest.


	29. Chapter 29

_**AN:** Sorry, last time I 4got that chick's name... It's "Bellatrix the Strange"._

so she kicked over Run & he fell asleep. Me & Bellatrix circled eachother menacingfully wit swords ready to kill eachother, walking through harry boddy parts. "Fire you amazing bastard' she swore 'u shouldve killed whats-her-name & joined Voldermort. Perhaps we would have dated. BUT NO YOU HAD TO GET HER-MINE-EE PRAGENT!'

'I nodded in acceptance' I didnot mean to hurt you my love. Can I repair your damaged spirit?' my eyes went all sexy and everything.

'No' 'no' 'no it is too late for that.' she swiped at me & my arm statted bleeding. My phone got an IM saying "Plz murder H.G. A.S.A.P. Thnx! -Tom". I shoot "OMG how did Voldermort get my phone number!!"

all of a sudden Blind Mag fell out of the sky wielding 1 hatori hanso katanas. She poked Bellatrix in the chest. "Oh my god you have killed me." moaned Belletrix as she fell over dead. I was very startled. Blind Mag looked so damn SEX-E. She was wearing a katholic school girl uniform wit a blu/grn kilt that went upto her knees. And a darkest navey blu sweater wit da hogwars crest in it. Her red hair went in strinds down her shoulders all sexy. Her lipstick was covered in red. She had one of those T-shaped necklaces on her neck.. of her neck..? ... of her neck. She wiped the blood of the katarina on Bel1trix'ses deathsuit so her eyes flashed me red.

'OMG wat r u doing here!' so i run ofer & hug Mag fiendishly. I rub her neck with my rubbers. 'LOL; Albus, sent me to help u guys kill Lordramort ' her face smiled huzzahedly. "Does Hermione still have amnesia?" I axe all concortedly. Blind Mag nods (sad) & I bite my thumb in worry.

A flying pirateshop stops nearby. It's "The Saucy Mayor". A captain in a red shirt asks "Are u guyz lost?" "OMG IT's CAPTAIN CAPACITOR!" *awesome* " but Aren't you dead?"  
_**AN:** 2 soon?_

"My dear, we are quite lost!" called Blind Mag. I explained that we were on the internet hunting for Lord Voldermot. captain points at Ron & said "Hop on the bus!!!"


	30. Chapter 30

_**AN:** SO MANY LOST SPOILERS_

We cruised the internet waves in the flying Galleon in our quest to hund down Voldremort. I stared armlessly out unto the bleek blonk abiss. Rom walked over & sed 'Fire you are so cool so all the chix love u can i b ur BEST friend?'

I discernably nod 'ok but, ur not my BEST friend.' Rom smild happingly then Captain say "Fire I find your wench so sexy." We all stared up at Blind Mag in the crowsnest singin' "Sacramanet of Wilderness"

"LOL no. Mag is only a friend now. my fiance lies at the end of da sea." "Y do ur eyes go all sexy at Mag then?' he pondered piraxely. I hear that, so i clumb Mag and wrap my arms around her belly. "Mag u r so hawt when u sing. Do u seem different then I last sawed u?"

"My dear I have a confesion' Wat' "I knewed ur dead mother.' I gasp. ' Marni was my BGF" Im so stratled so I step over. Blind Mag did holograms with her eyes to show a petty ladey in an ugly dress. "u have ur mother's eyes her hair; i was told u did with her; all des years have come & gone; how do i put this; im ur gawdmum." She pets me head & cry emotively. Slowly I begin to kiss out at her face. She rubs my you-know & I get a you-know all sexily.

"AVAST! IMPERIALS ON THE PORT BOW!" Another boat! crahsed into 'the saucey' mare & ppl statted to jump over. I pulled a cutless & jumped down Blind Mag & Ron do to. Everybody swordfights! *cling* *swoosh* Ack! Our goodguys fight dem but some die. It turns out it was the Death Stealers wit Crabbe & Goyless Dad! One of them shot Capictor with a flintlocke pistol into heart & he fell over! so i run there.

With his dying breath Captain Capicitor said "OMG did u see Daniel Faraway shotted his mom!" "IK & now she wants to have sex at Freckels! It was very surprising!" Captain die. "Oh my!"  
_**AN:** This b the spoiler!_

So i jump u p & decapitate their dad. Hush gushing blood sprays everywheres. All the bad eggs are dead too now. Phantom Ron & Blind Mag come to me so we look all meanfully et eachother & node. I shoutd "Lets' go kill Voldermort RIGHT NOW!"

"Fire the whole world is watching you do dis" Albus said through the handheld-thingy.


	31. Chapter 31

Me, blind Mag, & phantom Ron sailed the virtual waves in the Crimson Maid. I was wearing marsh green kakhi pants over a pair of army boots, a wornout camoflague jacket, a chain belt, and my hair was all spiked out. Blind Mag was wearing bright red steelitos, a gun holster under her dark red shorts, a tight pink shirt, 2 katanas on her back, and her hair was all ponytailed to the back. Ron wore a mask to cover his fucked-up face, a black businessman suit with a red boytie under a dark cape.

"My dear we are hunting down Voldremort" reminded Blind Mag with her sexy smile. "Yes Mag, we will kill him for all the pain and despication he has caused both of us and I will avenge my mothers death." I peered out into the black drakness of the web as I steered the steering weel.

I could smell Something Is WRong..

"Its too quiet.." whispered Blind Mag as nodded smartly, so she started singing "Dark Chest of Wonders". Her voice magically echoed all over the night to light everything up. The internet went all white & we could see spinning & floating objects like invisible stars. "Oh Mag you are truly the best Magican ever born!" I exclimed and she took off her shirt happily. Her neumatic breasts flowed in the wind.

Ron looked wildly. "Im so glad Harry Potter did not die like we thought he did" he said draging the body around. "I'm afriad Ron has lost his mind" I curtly address at Blind mag because harry potter is acutally dead. "Unfortunately" said Mag agreeingly as she kept singing to light up our nobel vessle's path. "When we get back we can send him to Saint Mungos for a brain detachment"

I snucked my nose. "Blind Mag You Look different Than Normal." She smiled & sang higher. All of a sudden we were teleported into Voldermorts house. We could tell where we were because he was there. I was hungry & fed 87% on Peter Petegrove.

"Thout hast failt in thy mission to kill Hermione Granger," moaned Voldermort. "Doeth you know whateth sheth cabable of?" (What does this mean?)

"Under the legistration of the President of Magick I am arresting you for the murder of my mom, Cho Chang, and Ginny Weasley. Resistance is futile!" I aimed my gun at Voldermort and he laughed. Mag pulled out her swords & Ron coverwed in fear.

"Wait" said Lord Voldermort as he pulled out his wand but I attacked anyways. 


	32. Chapter 32

_**AN:** Hey if you dont liek my story then don't read it! It's not like "Hey read teh story bitch!!" It's not liek that!_

All of a sudden I woke up in the Hogwards Hospital. I was surrounded by Blind Mag, progfessor Dumbledore, McGonacle, Hargrid, Sirius, Doctor, and Cappie. My head hurt it did not feel sexy at all! "What happened!" I asked hungrily.

She is wearing a beautiful red gothic gown with a bodice and crimson jewellery all over & strong highheels. Her lipstick is red and she has on red glasssuns. Blind Mag rubbed my hand and explained that Voldermort had done a mind-erasing spell and we killed him. "My dear we all thought you were deadfeet! Also Sirius is good again and we put Ron in a Metal Asylum"

-"Fire has priapism" alludes Doctor. I nod happily.

"Voldermort will kill you all!" screamed Snape madily but Blind Mag says "I'm afriad hes dead my dear." I jumped out of bed with realization. "Mag if he is dead den there is nothing to fear!! We can all live happily ever after!" "I have death cancer" added Dumbledore. "Blind Mag even though I am ingaged to Hermione you are the wuv of my life. When I am with you my heart gets a massive hardone," so i jump on 1-knee and say "Blind Mary Beautificus Venus Mag will you marry me?"

All of a suden hermione walks in carrying a boquet of bloodflowers saying "Oh Fyre I'm so glad you killed Voldermort and came home safely from war so we can get married I love u so mush- OMG WTF are you doing ARE YOU PROPOSING TO ANOTHER WOMAN!" For a terrible moment the whole world was frozen like a block of water & me & hermione & blind mag all stared into eachothers eyes with all deepness and stuff. i could see hermiones heart break had completely lost her mind

She is wearing a punkrock outfit with black fishnet stalkings, spicy necklace, black tank top, and her hair is all normal long down her face. She is wearing blake lipstick and a huge black diamond necklace "You bastard." Hermione pulled out her gun to shoot me but blind mag stepped up. "Hermione you must understand we are in love and nothing can stop that. if you want him you will have to go through me," so she pulled out a katana. "No" i shooted afraid my 2 women would murder eachother because they love me that mcuh. i just want them to stop trying to kill eachother because they shouldn't. "Hermione I will always treasure our love but I think we are done 4 good. Goodbye now!" I eat 1 BloodFlower sexily

"hermione broked into tears and started screaming. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1!!!!!!!!" She fell over and said "With my dying breath i will maek both of u pay for all the things u just did. Right now." She aimed the gun at blind mag but i jumped in front

*BANG*!

she missed and shot Doctor. "Oh dear," he fell into the fileplace and set on fire. "How exiting!" said Cappie. Hermione ran away scarrming & shoting students with magick. "I do" said blind mag.


	33. The Wedding 1: Head Like a Hole

Today is a beautiful wonderful awesome sunny morning. It's a nice day for a white wedding because me and Blind Mag chose to wait until marriage before "doing it". Today's so perfect and nothing could possibly go wrong: Dumbledore had promised to be our minister, McGonagall our flower-girl, and Sean Faggot decorated the church with beautiful crap because hes a stupid Jock & good at shit like that. I was excited because there'd be a Recruitment Scout offering College Scholarships!!

I put on this brilliant white dinner jacket covered in buttons overtop of a metallic white fancy-shirt and a bright crimson red boytie. I wore fancy pants of deepest white, and a chainbelt to remind everyone that I'm such a Rocker! I paint my Army Boots & shoelaces a pale white with Magick. My hair was offically neat and I'd died it dark glowing red.

"Why are you doing? Crabbe asked. All of a studden I recalled how I murdered his dad for being a Death Stealer. So I told him. "That's OK he used to rape and cut me with Magick," Crabbe quipped.

"lol Im getting married do you want to come with me?" I asked sinceratedly. Crabb nods happily and bursts into tears. "I'm such a liar Ive kept a deep dark sexy secret from you!" "Wut u say?" "I'm afraid to go outside: I'm addicted to room." I was all shooked!

So I grabb the Crabbe by his shoulders and rattle him anxiously. With a powerful voice I say "Crabs, Sometimes The Only Fear Is To Get Over Your Fear With Strength. AND COURAGE!~" Crab was now cured and much happier. So we drank some Absente to celebrate and get so wasted!

-'Fire Ive been watching you all these years. Ur like all I ever think about man, you are one sexy beast." Before I Reply: Crabbe grips me by my hair violently and kisses me fervantly. I pull away spasticly.

"Are you for real?" I ask. "No I waz joking!" and he sat on my back massagingly. I was kindof drunk so I jacked his shooter and then skullfucked him. It felt kindof weird but whatever. We knew it was only a 1-time thing because I love Hermine and he loved professor Marijuana. Besides I'm straight. Then we get dressed and laughed about pie. I'm glad he isn't clingy like bitches are.

"Crab can you be my Best Man?" Suddenly there is wedding music and I KNEW it was time to marry my Dream Girl.. And nothing could possibly go wrong.

**_TO BE CONTINUED !!!!!!1_**


	34. The Wedding 2: The Great Destroyer

Our wedding theme is Europe's "The Final Countdown". So that plays on the church loudspeakers as I strut down the carpet. The whole school is here: Crabbe, Sirius Black, Severus Snape, Sean Faggotry, Cappie, Beaver, Minerva McGonagall, the prime Minister of Magick, Umbridge, Hargrid, & everyone. Albus Dumbledore wears a preist uniform. Even Ron Weasley was allowed to be there in a strite jacket He waved at me happily. The Talent Scout blinked at me.

I smiled outside but was nervous inside that Hermione Granger might show up since she swore to kill me & my bride because she's completely PMSing. I also wondered if she discovered who knocked her up. I hear she's doing drugs & Heroin & killed some students with evil Magick. Also she's mad that I let Voldermort kill her boyfriend Harry Potter. I felt hungry so I fiercely snapped Parvil Patti's neck & quenched my thirst with her refreshing lifeblood. It dripped down my face and tuxedo so everyone cheered! I hurl her desecated corpse into the wall and it made a sweet *thonk* sound so everybody cheered even louder! I was so happy!

I turned and got hard when I saw the most beautifal chick comming (geddit?) down the carpet in 13-inch red stilettos. Her firm white shorts went halfway down her thighs over white stalkings. Her tight bodice showed off massive hooters. White elbow-length gloves and pretty shiny diamond rings on every finger. This huge veily thing went off the top down her back and trailed 6-feet behind. Her hair is bright red and huge ,covered in diamond bracelets. Her nails are like 9-inches and red. I stared in amazement so everyone whistled at how hot she looks."Do you know why the nightingale sings?" Blind Mag purred and glasped my hand in marriage. I knew nothing could go wrong.

All of a sudden Hermione ran in looking nutso, wearing a black leather ninja suit. Her hair was blonde and went down her back .She looks killer hot. And ruins everything!

"She is a Zombie!" accused Hermione sexily pointing at Blind Mag. "You bitch!" screamed Blind Mag and slapped her angrily. "You bitch!" screamed Hermione & slapped her angrilier. The start to punch eachother and I shout "NO!!" but its too late.

"What's going.......?" I turn slowly and THERES A SECOND BLIND MAG ~!

_**TO BE CONTINUED !!!!!!!!!!1**_


	35. The Wedding 3: Hurt

_**AN:** Happy Thanksigiving!_

We stood at the front of the wedding church in front of everyone else. I looked back & forth between the 2 Blind Mags and felt a wave of scared run around me. "Oh my what the heck is this?" I shoot.

"Zombie Mag!! is a double-banger" screamed Hermione at the bride while Blind Mag looked angry to me. She wore a dark leather 1-piece dress that was covered in rivets. Her boots looked stylin' while her hair was dyed black and all bouncy on her face. She wore lipstick and eye shadow with some big black pendant around her neck on a scary chain, as well as arm-length black gloves. She looked just like Emily from "the Corps Bride". So gothic.

"My dear, you couldn't tell me apart from a zombie?" All of a sudden Zombie Mag starts flying around looking evil and spitting spells at Hermione, so she took of her sword and started jumping around slcing.

"Huh?" "My dear, Zombie chained me up after you went to fight Voldermort, then tracked you down to help kill him! Also she tortured me with lesbian bondage!" Mag said explainedly. "HUH?" Zombie shouted "Curcio!" and Hermione screamed in painful rage so she forced her sword and knocked off Zombie's arm. "YOU BITCH!" she screamed and slapped Hermione. YOU BITCH!" slapped Zombie and she screamed.

"So that Zombi was gonna marry a Vampyre?" Cappie asked increipulsely while Beaver did belly-shots off McGonagall. Dumbledore sat down because he's dying form cancer. Zombie and Hermione ripped eachothers close off and starts punching eacohter nakedly.

"Yikes!" Fyre shouted and looked. It was at that moment that I knew there was something that I needed to do and stop everything that just happened for going on to keep happening.! Mag brust into tears and kicked me in my chest so I started bleeding. "You bastard, how could u! my dear!"

Mag burst into tears again and ran off suicidally. She looked pretty hot. "YOU LOOK THE SAME!" I yelled at her.

I turned and watched Hermione stabbed Blind Bride Zombie Mag through the chest. She exploded into blood and everything all over. "NO!" I screamed but it was too late. Wife's dead!

I HATE YOU" I shout at hermione! "You ruiner everything!" "But I was saving you because I lve you!" she screamed bloodily and punched me in the face. My noise started bleeding, crap! So she kissed me hottily and shot death-magick at a student who exploded and the church caught on fire! Oh no run away!

The talent scout shook his head at me. "You will NEVER get a scholarship now! What a disgrace!" I felt so sad! Hermione ran away cursing students into exploding. I fell over and scrammed NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My bride lay dead in my arms and both of my women were mad at me! Everything had gone wrong and it was very unexpected!


	36. Chapter 36

It's the next day now and I'm in the secret office behind the Gargoyle. McGonagall and Dumbledore unplugged his cellphone and said "Fyre, we want to talk to you about what just happened." said Albus Dumbleodre. My hair is green and in a kick-ass mohawk. I wore a black leather vest over a blue plaid shirt and, black jeans. My belt was studded and I had STOMP boots on. I had grown 5oclock beard. I looked just Like Johnny Ramone! So Punk! "Now we're not here to point fingers, but marrying a coprse and burning down the church is not acceptable behaviour!"

I freaked out again. "SHE LOOKED THE SAME!" McGonagall rubbed me supportingly and said "Albus, maybe it's time we told him The Truth.

"Wait wheres Snape" I asked surpringily! "It turns out he's working for lord voldermort all along" McGonagall explained. "That's how he's in jail and I'm the head of Slytherin house. Hargrid is the Gryfindor."

Dumbledore stood up pacingly. "Fyre, the prophecy says you are the chosen one who will bring balance to the force!" explained Dumbldore. McGonagall shook her head. "Now we're not here to point fingers my son, but you've done a lot of bad things recently Fyre. Underage sex, underage drugs, alcohol, Hermione Granger, murder, underage magick.."

I stood up angrily. "I didn't kill anyone! .. Except Voldermort! But he's really mean so that's ok."

Dumbledore stood up angrily. "EXACTLY!" "5 points from Gryfindor." McGonagall sadly said.

I felt leaving confused. I knew the School Opera was soon so I went to practice in the dormitory. Crabbe was there smoking pot and watching some incest porn. I heard a nock at the door and turned slowly to comfront Hermione Granger standing there. She wore a virgin white dress and her blonde hair was in a knot. You could totally see she was preggers.

"I just wanted to see if your mad with me..?" she asked sweetly while she fingered the door handle. I nodded breathlessly. She nodded quitely and said "Maybe we can startover, like a clean slate, Tabula Rasa, fresh sheet of paper, new beginning?" she asked hopelessly. I nod with my face and say "Let's meet on top of the tower at midnight." She laughed sexily and ran off.

-"You do not know until your heart feels," said my tatoo angrily. She will kill you.' "OMG YOU CAN TALK!!" I screaemed. 


End file.
